For Review. 
Entente Cordiale. 


D’ye W ant A Shave? 

OR 

Yankee Shavings, 


OR 

A New Way To Get A Wife. 

A III ACT COMEDY. 

Revised Edition. 

By WILLIAM BUSH, 


Our German Cousin 


As styled by the late 
GEORGE KRUICKSHANK, Esq., 

et al in introducing the Author to London audiences in 
1870, while he was on a tour of the Continent. 

For Representation. *• [• .A . •>-- 

Address the Author at 

1202 LYNCH STREET , ST. LOUIS , M 


Entered according to act ot Congress, in the vea” 1875, by WILLIAM BUSH in the 
office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C. 




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A SCENE IN UA CT. 





DRAMATIS PERSONAE. 


Bob Codfish, 
Major Tick 
Rev. Prior 
Master, primrose 

Clothilda. 

Peg. 


J i Comedy lead — A Jack of all trades and boss shaver, 

J First old man — A shaver on principle and a medium who 
\ needs watching. 

] Second oid man — Village prieA. 

j Wal king gent — An uni nown fashionable young man, lover 
t of Clothilda, vho at theend turcsoutto beLer brother. 

j "Walking lady, or, Juvenile tragedy— An occasional ska. 
( ver of beaus. 

\ Old w Oman — Tick’s wife — buidened with a secret. 


John Sea gcl^and j Low comedy — Two drunken sailors. 

Tommy. j Juvenile Bus— A boot black— The little shaver. 

Minor charactors — Utilities — Olapods— Excentrice and attendants. 


ACT I— SCENE I. 


The Village of Happy Hollow— A Hatcheling 1‘ariy . OonHaiing of Feg Tuk’s Wife, 
and Three or Four Other Women. Theij\ar Hatcheling Flax With Old Venhiontd 
Hand— Hat chels. 

Enter backward Bob Coptlsh, followed by a middle aged woman. 

Appears as if just out’ of the kitchen. She is angry, having doom in baLd 3 
Bob — ’pon me honor madam. 

Woman: (attempts to strike, he dodges. Women stop working.) 

’pon yer honor — heh ! ye scapegrace have no honor ;aud no tin in yer 
pocket to pay the board with. 

Bob: ’pon me honor — I was not smoling at you madam: I was only ‘settlin’ 
a billet-doux with the chambermaid. 

Wo: (attempts to 6trike again: he dodges ) 

Settling hek! a billet-doux — yer better settle with me yer hash bill. 

Bob: 

(turning front) 

It is rather early to eat carpet tacks and broom handles. 

(To Her) 

I be clanged if I pay another penny— never got a dacent meal anyhow 
in your henroost. 

Wo: Henroost! heb! 

She goes for him again. He retreats backward until he stumbles ©ver one of 
the women hatchling, who strikes him on back. 

Bob: Ugh! out of the frying pan into the fire. 

[Retreats.] 

I will be avenged on your sex. I’ll be avenged yet. I’ll -get married— I’ll 
get married. * ' 

He exits, followed by woman, other women laugh and one gays: 


2 


4 


'“Our Bob Codfish will get married.” 

They lal take now a Drink out of Glasses Which are standing on a Tree 
Stump. 

1st W. Here is to the health of sll Eve’s daughters, for a glass of wine now 
and then is like a piece of nonsense, cherished by the best of men or 
women either. 

Peg. I sav, ‘ould gals,’ it strengthens our nerves and speeds our tongues on . 
from a trot to a gallop, 

(clasps hands.) 

Good gracious ! when I get stowed away enough of this stuff, 

(points to glass) 

then I can get on the old man’s noddle, and crow like a rooster 
in less time than it takes to sayjack Robinson. 

1st. W. That’s the reason that Major Tick your husband’s scalp is bald. 

2nd. W But,Peg,you seem always so reticent about your early history. 

Peg. (Breaths heavy) 

That’s an awful secret. 

1st. W. I believe you and Major Tick came from“auld Hengland” and settled 
here in these Western wilds some twenty odd years ago and you had a son. 
Peg. Never had a son. 

(Aside,) 

confounded ! there I let the cat out the bag. 

(Aloud.) 

that is: I might have had a son — so to say — reared Master Primrose 
now a young man of fashion, 

(sotto voce hand to mouth,) 
but this is a secret. 

2nd. W.That’s to say you was in the way of and had the means at hand to have 
a son; but how is that young fledgling of yours getting along with Madem- 
oiselle Clothilda, our neighbor’s daughter 
Peg. Making it clear to her with mathematical precision; the problem that in 
love two make one. 

I3t. W But I heard that he hsd a competitor in Bob Codfish, who is hot 
after the girl. 

Peg. Let the single Cod be hot after her, for, indeed, madam, indeed! she is no 
match for Master Primrose, besides he is to day leaving for England and 
will be absent for years. 

They all commence again katcheling — while enters Major Tick — looks rather 
old — they stop again awhile— Peg walks to him and while he picks up some 
***. thing from stage she kicks his hat off. whieh reveals then T’s bald head— all 
laugh as Peg points to it. 

Peg. “Auld gals!” here is marked my handi-work. 

[Shakes hands with him] 

How d’ye do auld rooster. 

Tick. Pretty well Peg. pretty well ancient Adams rib 
[They now face audience.] 

And ladies and gents, a jollier wife I never had in my life, though old in 
fjgf years, yet we banish tears and;live as happy as a big base drum. 

[Gives her pinch of snuff, she takes it.] 

Take a pinch — take a pinch;it is gocd for the liyer. 

P. I suppose you came from church now. 

T. .To be sure, to be sure, dear Peg. 


X 


3 


I . You are not so sure that you have been around it instead of inside. 

T. Pretty sure, pretty sure. 

P. Ah! I see, 

(feels in his pocket, ) 

I suppose you took our family biblo along? 

T. (Tries to prevent her.) 

Na, na, Peg, I left the bible in our pew. 

P. [Takes out cards and displays them.] 

Yes, and took the cards along to bring the angels down. Oh! you miserable 
sinner, what will become of you ? GoiDg to hell lull blast. 

T. partially retreats; pulls handkerchief out ol the other pocket, while 
another deck of cards fall out. 

T. [Aside.] 

Confounded old womas; I’m just in a perfect hornets nest. 

[Picks up cards and says aloud,] 

Ahem! ahem yes, dear child — going and making the road clear for your 
So I thought I’d better take a double set of cards along to pass the time off' 
until you came, by playing a game of eucher with the old Harry. 1 hope the 
gentlemen here have no objections. 

P. (Laughs.) 

You silly gander, there are nothing but geese here, not a single gent. 

T, The better for it; loan me a dollar. I want to get shaved; when you come 
^ home to-night I will magnetiso you. 

P (Pushes him off,) 

Go along— magnetise the other women. 

T (Aside.) 

My wife don’t need to say that twica to me, as old as I am 
(Aloud,) 

All right, my dear, 

Going to other woman who is hateheling; takes her arm;Jshe stops; he com_ 
mences to make passes over her, as if to magnetise her. 

T My wife has given me the mitten, and now 1 come to you to see what I can 
do in the magnetising line, 

W Now, Major Tick, you better tickle your own wife, or mesmerise your cat. 
T (Aside) 

It would be all the same to me, if I had enough tin in my pocket to take a 
wink at that little brown jug in the corner grocery. 

(Aloud,) 

Loan me a shilling. 

W (Feels in pocket and gives him money— Aside,) 

I better give the old sot a shilling to get rid ot him, 

(Aloud,) 

Here, Major is a shilling, drink our good healtl for it. 

T Faith I wili drink the health oi all damsels who give me a shilling, no mat- 
ter whether they are green as a water-melon or in the yellow leaf. 

She works again, T , goas to next and does the same; she is old, white 
haired, she strikes him with flax. 

W (Angrily,) 

I say, “ould Tick,” I “tick” and kick yer, if you come emailing aronnd me 
— a dacent woman. 


4 


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T 




T. 


Be jabbers ! “auld gal,” — beg pardon, beg pardon — 1 mean to say that I’m 
an old boy; but you are still young, h 3 rdlv yet erossed the rubicon of girl 
hood. 

(Pacified) 

Major, major, you are an awful flirt; but what can 1 do for you? % 

(Aside) 

1 knew this would fetch her, to trans form an old battered ewe into a lamb 
(Aloud,) 

Loan me two shilling, I have a laundry bill to pay down in the 
grocery. 


(Aside,) 

Confounded mistake. 

(Aloud, 'k 

Beg pardon; I meant a little bill to pay down — down the street. 

(Points r ear.) 

W (Tskes out money and gives it to him aside.) 

Well he is an old friend of ours— I will have to give it? 

(Aloud). 

1 suppose you want to invest it in — in — 

T I know, you suppoeed, that, I want to take a temperance drink and buy a 
blue pill ; but I wont. 

W r . (Clapps on his shouldes, laughing.) „ 

Ha! ha! something stronger to fire your old soul up, until we get through 
hatcheling and your old girl comes home ; but, Major, don’t forget to 
bring me the money back. 

T. Of course not, of course not— chalk it down, chalk it down on the debit 
and credit side. 


(Aside.) 

It is a great consolation to many people to have a great account of what 
other people owe them and never pay. 

(Gives her a pinch of snuff.) 

Take pinch — take a pinch. It cures the headache. 

(She works again. He goes to next, and takes hold of her hatchel.) 

T. “Missus” Sunflower, you work too hard ; a beautiful woman, like you, spoils 
her complexion by too persistent— Work. 

W. (Aside gesture ot coyness.) 

Let? me take a breath on that, 

(Aloud). 

O! Major, you are a flirt. 

T. Not at all— I spoke the solid truth— the solid truth. 

W: You better be careful how you pass compliments around to other ladies, a 
your wife may scratch you; but, Major, can I be of any service to you ? 

T. (Whispers in her ear and talks loud) 

Loan me three shilling. I lack that amount, as I was going to invest some- 
thing, for domestic purposes, in cocktails of milk — only. 

W. Yes, one part milk to ninety-nine Of 'Brandy ; that’s the way you spend 
thrifts spend our money 
T. But only for domestic purposes. 

(Offers her a pinch — she refuses). 

Take a pinch— take a pinch. It is a superfine remedy foreon s. 

(points to feet) 
number one— 3x quality. 



v w. (Gesture of indignation, aside). 

Horrid old sot ! offering a young, marriageable woman, so iff to cure corn. 
(Shows one foot.) 

Just as if a young lady could raise a crop of corns In a number 11 shoes 
(Searches pocket— Aloud). 

But, Major, I cannot find a farthing. 

T. (Takes her umbrella standing near by). 

Then loan me your umbrella, it might rain. 

W. (Runs after him and takes it back). 

Hold on, Major — I need that myself, besides loaning an umbrella cuts cne’s 
friendship. 

T. (Embraces her.) 

Not for this wide— wide world would I cut a woman’s friendship. 

(Peg runs to him and takes him by the ear, when he imitates voice 
of a goat. 

P. Hold on ! hold ! on, old fellah ! I aint dead yet. 

(Lets loose.) 

And that’s the ‘reason’ that I’m so lull of joy and bristling with ‘a penny 
fun and schooners of good ‘hale.’ 

(Gives her snuff, aside,) 

My wife never refuses ;her head is level on that subject, if on no other. 
She knows too well that snuff soothes all ailments to which we poor 
mortals are heir to. 

Voice! 

(without.) 

All hands to lunch. 

T. (Looks out). 

All right — we are ready for the lunch, (aside) after Ihave 
lubricated my lungs with a mug of bourbon. 

'•P. (All taking iu hatchels — ready to go — P. to women. 

That old rooster of mine needs watching. He would fall in love with a 
bean pole, if a petticoat was hanging around it. 

Enter Bob Codfish and three or four other carpenters, with tool chest 
and saws in hands. At entrance Bod holds forth band plane saying : 

Bob. (Says). 

D’ye want a shave? 
tp. By jingo! here comes Bob Codfish. 

T. [Shakes hands with B]. 

And all the other Cods, with their little bucksaws. 

> [Offers snuff-box. 

Gents, take a pinch. 

P. [Bowing to B,] 

But this is the single Cod who is disputing the right of our dear Primrose to 
the charms of Mademoiselle Clothilda. 

»'B. [Bowing in sarcastic tone.] 

“Yes, madam — by all the striped stockings above and below. 

. [points to himselfj. 

This is Bob Codfish— who” Though I have never seen your dear Primrose, 
yet I mean to win Clothilda, like a soldier though 1 should have to 
smell powder— [Aside] in the quartermaster’s department. 

'IT. Bless you, me boy— bless you, me boy. I’m glad of it; 

[Going off one side]. 


Our dear foster son, Primrose could not marry her anyhow, and besides he 
may yet inherit a fortune in England ; thus we must keep him to ourselves, . 
so that we get a dig at his ducat6. 

[Aloud]. 

Already, sisters? then, onward, march, and chaige on the lunch, but, if you 
like, we might first air our lungs with a song, so as to give us appetite. 

All: A song — a song. 

[Women go one side, men on other, and sing, with music accompani- 
ment.] 

T. [Solo], Ye carpenters and journeymen, 

Stand in line and show your plane. 

Break not with ax or bucksaws, 

The ladies hearts and cupids laws. 

[Chorus] , Brothers, shave with care— 

Shave wita care the fair. 

Bob. [Solo— points to T.]— 

You old 'sinner, go to dinner — 

You are no more a ladies’ killer ; 

Yet still you are drum Major Tick, 

With little brains, my dear old Nick. 

[Chorus]. Shave, brother, shave with care, 

Boards and planks smooth as hair. 

T. [Going, a call heard for lunch). 

Onward, then — they call us again for lunch. I think it is getting cold 
[Feels stomach]; 

I have a decided vacuum her*, and an empty stomach is an enemy to good', 
melody and all benevolent feelings. 

(Before exit offers snuff to audience]. 

D’ye want a pinch ? 

(All exeunt.) 

(Scene changes to courtyard of house,. in 3d and 4th or 5th grooves... 
Bob Codfish lound planing a board with hand plane ; a lady heard singing, 
in rear house.) 

B. (Stops to audience) . 

D’yefcwant a shave? 

(Displays some of the wood shavings,) 

(Pause). 

Tlii 9 shaving with the plane is rather a too laborious work for a free-born 
American, and I ought to be shaving at something else— perhaps 1 may yett 
In fact I know I will yet start a barber-shop, just to keep my hand in the 
shaving line ; only 

(points reai) 

that charmer, now singing, keeps me here. 

(Singing stops. Enters Peg with basket, and gets shavings.) 

(To her). 

Haloh ! old ‘girl’— have you already tackled the lunch ? and come here now 
to cat ler some shavings, to light the fire, on a cold.. winter morn. tor you oldv 

‘Hunky.’ 


7 


P. Lunched, and saw.Miss Clothilda. 

B. (Both come to M, He keeps plane in hand), 
was she seeming y happy ? 

P. Quite so, quite^so— she was anglirg with a gentleman of no mean propor 
tions. 

B. The deuce! I won’t stand anybody else mousing around my girl. How caa. 

I else shave her ? 

(Immitates shaving with plane.) 

P. You will have to take it, and shave some other girl. But I could fix things-. 

for you— if yout enlisted me in your servise. I know a great deal about her. 

B. I know all about her — she is the daughter oi the old miser, who keeps this 
factory. 

P. But this is not all —she is an heiress, aud the old folks don’t wantj her to 
marry. 

B. That will be a hard job, to keep a girl from marrying— particularly if she is 
an heiress. 

(Now, Ciothiida, with basket in hand, aud Primrose, with satchel, come 
out of 2d etage, and descend down stairs, and proceed to R., rear, where 
they remain at wing, in sight, conversing and love making; dumb show.) 

P. (Aside.) 

Our dear Primrose, there he comes, making clear to his girl, before parting 
the geometry of love, but yet we cannot permit this match. 

(Aloud to B., and showing him couple.) 

Lo ! there she comes down with her cavalier to bid him good-bye. 

, B. (Aside shivering and rattling his teeth as if cold,) 

I feel as if a stream of cold water was running down my spinal column, fco*. 
see another mftn beguile my lady love. 

(Aloud— stops rattling,) 

I wonder who that pretentious chap is? 

P. I could give yon his pedigree, and spoil his 6uit with her, and send her to 
your arms. 

B. (Takes P.’s hand.) 

Remember, then, me— the lone orphan boy, and make his heart rejoice by 
bringing the magnet to the pole. 

P. (Unloosens hand.) 

Not me. 

B. (Lays hand on her shoulder; angry tone) 

Woman! ' 

P. Nothing but ducats can wrench this secret from my heart. 

(Gathers shavings, aside.) 

I cannot afford to be a match maker and a walking matrimonial agency 
without pay. 

B. (Aside.) 

Cold hearted woman. 

(BMnd in 2d etage opens, and an old woman sticks out head, calling, $ 
W. Clothilda, dear! come in; you are getting cold. 

(Clothilda nods ascent, and window 6huts again.) 

B. (Aside, and rattling teeth again.) 

Yes, dear, come; ’tis getting awfully cold— freezing— below zero, 

(Stops rattling.) 

[Clothilda and lover now part. She comes to carpenter shop to gatfaesr- 



8 


shavings, while at same time enter tbree or lour other carpenters, with 
tools, who comraenee to work. Peg runs and embraces Clothilda.] 

!f\ Well, dear child, I am glad to meet you. 

Clo. But, mother Peg, I am no more a child, but a woman. 

P. True; too true, as one might say; seeing so many gallants swearing to com- 
mit suicide, if you should give them the mitten. 

Clo. [Laughs.] ' 

Hal ha! you old ‘cork’ according to your story, a regiment of fellows break 
their hearts about me. 

[To Bob.] 

What say you to that, my old, stauneh friend, Bob Codfish. 

3 . Miss Clothilda, I believe you are a flirt, breaking men’s hearts with the un- 
concern with which you would kill a fly. 

Clo. Now, Bob, that’s the hardest job out, to break a man’s heart, which is so 
elastic that an inch of it will stretch for ten miles and not break. Besides, 
only two lovers a day don’t make a flirt. 

33. [Aside.] 

I am yet ‘hunky;’ one is gone and I am the other lover she speaks of. 

| Aloud. J 

Jokes apart, won’t you favor me, an old admirer, with one of your dulcet 
measures, which so often cheer my lone heart, 

[Points rear] 

when coming from yonder chamber, while I am at my bench at work. 

Clo. That won’t do; on the heels of a lover’s departure to siug for another. 

B. Out of sight out of mind- 

[ Aside. 1 

I would not, however, have that rule applied to me. 

[Aloud ] 

Well, sing a note or two, in which I will join. 

Clo. Well, as you are a particular friend of mine, I will sing a stanza or 
two. 

3 . [Aside, feeling his chin; gestures of pride; puts fingers behind vest, near arm 
pits, and moves lingers outside; comic posture.] 

A woman always yields to a handsome man like me. 

[Carpenters planing; music plays; she sings.] 

Clo. [Solo.] 

Bob Codfish; Bob Codfish— Codfish 
I like to marry whom I wish; 

Gone — departed— is one lover. 

And now ogling me another. 

Chorus — Killarney lads, 0, punch with care 
All the lasses at Donnie Brook fair. 

■Bob [Solo.] 

Bless the ladies; bless the ladies, 

For like fairies aDtl like babies, 

Spuking, roaming in this world around, 

To the music of love’s dulcet sound. 

Chorus — Sisters, sisters, shajpen your scissors, 

To shave with care all male visitors. 


9 


[Clothilda gives now a box on Bob’s ear, and then runs off to house ] 
>'Bob. Lassie do j our boxing now. I expect a little butting against the matr 
monial trace; but after I get you, I’ll shave you; I’ll shave you. 

[Imitates shaving; comic posture.] 

*Clo. That's the kind of hairpin I am. 

[Extends hands to nose derisively. Exit up stairs ] 

[All laugh and repeat hair pin. Curtain ] 


ACT II. 

-A street in fronts a barbershop stauds in rear adjoining it. Ladies and gents found 

undergoing shoving. Bob Codfish shaves a lady. Enters at L., on street a • 

drunken sailor tumbles and takes hold of lamp post at L., feeling it up anddown t 
soliloquises. Stage dark , barbershop l ghted. 

bailor. By the old Nick — hie— what a drunken bald headed dutchman — hie — 
stands here in my road, 

(kicks post) 

get up and git — hie— and don’t hinder dacent, sober people from going 
home— hie. 

(Hat falls off) 

Hilloh! my old head gear is gone in the mud. 

(Tries to pick it up.) 

Now if I picK you up— hie— I go down— hie— and if I go down— hie— yoii 
won’t pick me up — hie — so stay in the mud. 

[Looks at audience.] 

CoDfoundit! what a patriot must suffer — hie— on election day, voting in 
every port— hie. 

Enter at R. on street staggering, another drunken sailor with a covered 
basket ©n one arm, leans against lamp post at R. They stare at each other 
awhile. 

IS. Hillohl another drunken salt — hie — I really believe that I am the only so- 
ber man out on election day — hie. 

[To other.] ' 

Come on ould boy— hie. 

[2d S. comes slowlv to M.] 

Old Bourbon — hie — has played hog with yer — hie. And why didn’t 
yer ‘kape’ yer hide — hie — stowed away under the hatch of the 
quarter deck, instead of cornin’ ashore — hie — on election day, drinking 
bad whiskey and voting early and often — hie. If yer can’t lift yer loot over 
your door sill — hie — trust to me — hie— I will safely smuggle you home — hie 
— and stow yer under the stairs. 

They reach each other now at M. shake hands staggering. 

II S. How d’ye do ould land rat on election day — hie — did yer vote in every 
ward of the city? 

I S. Aye! that I did— hie— I am registered in every precinct— hie— but by the 
old Nick— hie — I think that you are the chap, who a fortnight ago wanted 
to sell me pups— hie. 

€18. ‘Kurrect’ ould boy— hie. 


10 


I S. And you said they were radical pups— hie. 

II S. “Kurrect’ again ould boy— hie. 

[AsideJ 

that fellow has some of the symtoms of a drunken man— hie: 

I S. [Examines contents of basket.] 

By gosh!— hie, and they are the very same pups. 

II S. By the G. D.— hie— they ain’t, they are Dimocratic pups— hie-. 

[AsideJ 

I’m positive that fellow is drunk — hie. 

I S. How does that shoe fit— hie— the same pups? 

II 8. [Laughs] 

Ha, ha, it fits — hie —they’ve got their eyes open now. 

I S. [Aside] 

That fellow is not as drunk as I thought he was — hie — on election 
day, alter all the dimicrats have bagged all the fodder in the public crib— 
hie. 

II S. And are yer sober— hie. 

I S. As sober as a deacon, when he is without whisky— hie. 

II S. And you will steer me home without breaking my bones— hie . 

I 8. ‘Kurret’— hie — well let us sing the homeward march. 

II 8. [Aside] 

Blind lead the blind— hie — and I think I am the soberest ol the two. 

During song they sway to and fro, arms linked I S. sings, other joins in. 
chorus, during song; enters Bob from barbershop, stands in lront, razor in 
hands as if shaving, comic position, looking at sailors. A pup’s head peeps- 
out of basket alter song. 

SONG. 

Man is a curious beast — hie, 

As babe aiprattling tease— hie, 

Then with school boy’s rosy face — hiC, 

Aft in th’ matrimonial trace — hie. 

Chorus— Boys ring the curtain down, 

In life he made one round— hie. 

I 8. [Feels back] ’Tis very hot way down my spine— hie, 

[Feels head] And up in my ‘Porcupine’ — hie, 

From drinking too much fiery wine — hie, 

01 cherry or grapes from the Rhine— hie. 

Chorus— Little brown jug, I love you so, 

In cold or warm, where’er I go — hie. 

Bob. D’ye want a shave? 

[They look at him laughing.] 

II S. An’ faith, boss,;what critter d’ye want to shave 

[points to himself] 

this bully boy with a glass eye, hie, from Tipperary, bic , 

[points to pup] 
or is it this brindle pup, hie? 

[While run in two policemen^ and take drunkards out.] 

Pol. Off, ye drunken vagabonds, to the calaboose. 

1 8. [To other.] 


11 


Now, ould boy, we will get shaved in durance vile — hie. 

II S. Begorra! without a razor either; by the liers and the perlice court — hie. 
[They exit.l 

Bob. By jupiter, I’m always interferred with when about to make a clean shave. 
Through policemen’s specs, the world looks like a huge prison, and 
[points to the audience] 

those ODly as escaped prisoners. And to a drunken man the world 
seems to spin around the faucet of a beer barrel. 

[Enter Major Tick, white hair, with stick.] 

Bnt then I must take fate by its crooked hinges and bend it to my purpose. 

[Turns to Major T., shakes hands.] 

Ha! here I see my valued friend, Major, 

Tick. How d’ye do, major? Getting old, ha? 

T. Decidedly so; decidedly sof 

[offers snuff box.] 

Take a pinch, take a pinch, my young friend to-night we have important 
business. 

[Holds hand to B’s ear, talks load.] 

Loan me a dollar. 

Bob. [Laughs.] 

Ha, ha, you old sinner, ;you can’t; come that on me. 

[Puts hand on T’s shoulder.] 

But, major, you can earn a right smart pile of the devil’s currency, if you 
play trump to night! 

'T. Exactly, exactly; that is, I think the best for all of us, firstly: The girl’s 
father, I take it, is tired of his daughter’s moonshining around o’ nights. 

B. That means, I suppose, that she is courted by moonlight. 

T. Precisely. Secondly: It is good for my old bones, as our dear Primrose, if 
he should come home, will stop, in future, ruminating on the woodshed o’ 
nights. 

B. Thus you will cruelly prevent your boy from doing violence to his fiddle 
strings in practicing on the top of that shed, to serenade his dulcina with 
all the tom cats purring and cautervauling around him. 

T. ‘Kurrect,’ and it will stop you from makiDg a fool of yourself, by writing 
love sonnets, and roosting on fence rails o’ nights to watch her chamber 
window. 

B. You mean, then, to say that woman is not all that she is painted, and that 
there is more fun in the pursuit of her than in her possession. 

’T. My dear fellow, the best description I can give you of woman, is to say, 
“that she is a woman.” Life is else too short to analize her, as she is a 
volume of contradictions. 

B. Misanthropist! For all that I would like to marry, and rend entwain the 
curtain, which now shrouds my single existence. 

T. I know it, I know it, on the marriage question, man throws reason to the 
dogs, they all do it, they all do it. 

B. But how abou^our seance to-night. 

T. [Takes out watch ] 

It is time to arrange the room, for the visitors will soon be here, and the 
spirits are near at hand. 
i$. [To barber inside.] 

It is time that we shut up the business, and prepare for the reception of the 


12 


spirits. 

[All customers now part, barbers carry barber chairs aside, bring tabie- 
in middle and set chairs in shop. They then bring in a box or cabinet and 
put it with bach to rear door at flat in shop so as to conceal door; they 
then hang placards in front with inscription as “Seance to-night. Admis- 
sion fifty cents.” During which B. and T. converse in front. 1 

B. Will the spirits who come here to-night be embodied or disembodied, con- 
structed of hops and malt, or corn juice, or will they be the aiiy spucks 
which ride through space in their Plutonian car at the stroke of the mid- 
night bell. 

T. They will be a mixture of all, as thin as air, as omnipotent as a lightning 
rod agent; as intoxicating to the mind, as would be a barrel of Bourbon. 
Cloven footed as old Nick himsell, or as bright as an $ngel of heaven, juct 
as the occasion requires it. 

B. Major, from your promises, one should believe that you was the embodiment 
of an Egyptian sorcerer, or a modern alchemist; in fact, that you had made 
a contract with the old Harry himsell. But have you advertised our seance- 
to night? 

T. That you may depend on. ' Have I lived these sixty years, not to know that 
advertising is the life of trade hei e in Yankeedom? No matter what moon- 
shine you advertise, there will be plenty of fools who are anxious to invest 
their dimes. 

B. The invocation of the spirits, then, will be of some use to us. First line otr 
pockets with dimes, and, second, bring into my arms the girl of my longing ; 
that is, old man, if you play trumps. 

T. Be prettty sure, that ran old ‘Poker 7 like me, plays- trumps; but what of my 
share of being the boss match-maker, and steer the girl safely in the harbor 
of matrimony. 

B. If she becomes my partner in matrimonial joys, you get a bag of greenbacks, 
and the slipper of my mother-in-lraw. 

B. I like greenbacks, but the 6lipper 

[Waves hand off] 

keep far, far away. The old woman might need it yet lor exercise on 
you. 

B. ‘Kurrect’— but what of the programme to entangle her in— Cupid’s 
meshes? 

T. Very simple, indeed— so simple, that, for its simplicity, it will have no 
equal. For instance— the spirit of her departed lover will appear, as a 
drowning corpse, when the ship is about to sink beneath the angry waves, 
and he wall relate, in sepulchral tones, how how his ship, in mid ocean, roll- 
ed on Ihe foaming billows, and how his craft sank, with mice and men, 
beneath the tossing waves, as psyche’s messenger carrieel his soul to that 
beautiful shore. 

B. But that will make the girl sad — perchance she will flee to some nunnery, 
to become a bride of heaven. 

T. Nonsense, nonsense, my dear fellow; now -a-days the girls are no such fools, 
when there are plenty of fish in the w^ater. On such occasions, when one 
of their lovers becomes non est, or takes French leave, they simply chalk 
off his name from their catalogue of lovers, and then sigh for the next one 
on the list. 

B. True; too true; just like us men. 


13 


T. Precisely; you being one in her catalogue of admirers. I shall sharpen her- 
appetite 

[Puts hand on B’s shoulder] 

for this corpus delicti by posting the spirits up, so that he will enjoin her to 
marry you, as the last prayer of one in heaven. 

B. To that I say amen; but are you sure that she will be here to-night? 

T. I informed her that to-night a world renowned medium would be here and 
hold a seance, who probably could tell her something of her lover across the 
sea. Arouse once a woman's curiosity, and though the heavens should fail 
she will explore. Besides she can thus gratify her desire to see you with- 
out seeming bold. 

B. That suits me to a T, for, old codger, you can’t blame me, that I long to 
possess her, as we men are endowed with passion, desires and appetite, 
which shape our minds, guide our wills, create our tastes and thoughts and] 
tinaly goad us on— to the butts of matrimony. 

T. My boy! I know it. As babies we love our mother’s and our milk bottle; as 
boys, our fathers and our chewing gum, as tadpoles, our holidays and fence 
rails to roosts on; at eighteen, our cigars and flowers in our coat lapel; at 
twenty-two, the sight of our sweetheart’s daiuty ankle; during the honey 
moon, our wives; at forty, our children and 

[Hand to B.’s ear, talks loudj 

our gin; at fifty, places of honor; at sixty, we love ourselves; and at sev- 
enty five we turn to our first love again. 

B. Tush! tush! misanthropist! with your corroded liver blanch not my antici- 
pated joy. 

T. [Walks off R., takes snuff, aside ] 

Nay; that I will not, as by yoking this match I accomplish two things with 
a single stroke. First, save Primrose, our foster sod, from the fascinations 
of this girl,. Clothilde, who is his unknown sister. Secondly, by marrying 
her to our Bob here, I will make a snug little sum, and be considered a 
benefactor hereafter when everything comes to light. 

[Aloud.] 

True, my boy; Pm somewhat rusted, but I will safely steer you across the 
. Rubicon of Cupid’s joys. 

B. [They shake.] 

Then here’s my hand, old fellow, as I see that beneath that rough and cold 
exterior beats still a warm, a sympathizing heart. 

T. To-night you shall yet lead her to the bridal chamber. After the seance a 
telegraphic dispatch will arrive to corroborate the spirits, purporting to 
state the marine disaster in which her lover perished. While thus her 
mind is all agog with grief, surprise and the injunction of her departed, we 
have in readiness the priest to tie the matrimonial knot. 

B. Ola boy, beware how you water my mouth for the delicacies it may never 
taste. 

T. Leave that to me; leave that to me. 

I Takes out watch;bringi out ch ur iu front of shop at door, and sit> on 
it, having laid bundle under chair.] 

T It is on the stroke of eight when our visitors will arrive 

[A bell riags iu rear.] 

There, the church bell chimes to invite the \/e ary souls to a haven of reit g 
and so do we. 


[Looks cut.] 


14 


Ha! I see already a lot of dupes arrive. 

[Sits again.] 

Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly. 

[Enter some people; pay admission and sit inside; enter also]in front a 
eouple of boot blacks; they black boots.] 

Boys. Mister, d’ye want a shine? a bully foin shine; only a dime. 

[A couple gents come out and have their boots blacked; put feet on 
block, American fashion.] 

Tc [Says occasionally]* 

ODly fifty cents admission to see the spirits of this and other lands. 

[Occasionally some come in; one gent offers a nickle to boot black 
while so engaged.] 

Gent. Look here, you Fifteen Amendment, I think a nickle would suffice for 
giving me a shine. 

B. ILooks up.] 

Now, boss, no foolin’ ’round dis chicken; a dime for a shine; a dime for a 
shine. 

<G. But my little black artist of the boot, I’m no cowherd, that you call me 
boss; besides 1 am out of small change, and got only a nickle leit. 

[Boy has blacked one; he picks up his tools.] 

B. Look here, ould greaser, if you want to cheat me? I charge you now a “dol* 
lah” for to black de tother boot. 

[Gent now rushes after him; he retreats; before exit says.] 

Boss, I’ze not one of yer chape white trash. 

[Exit.] 

[Enter Clothilde and lady friend; T. and B. shakes hands with her in 
front of shop.] 

T. Glad to meet you. Glad to meet you. 

Clo. But I am astonished that one of my old beaus has become a spiritualist. 

£. Not at all, Madmoiselle Clothilda; I am only an inquirer. 

T. He is only a spiritualist as the occasion requires it; besides he was anxious 
to see with his own eyes the wonderful performance of the renowned me- 
dium who will be here to-night. 

Clo. Precisely. The very same thing brought us here to-night. 

[B. taking her arm, and conducts the ladies in.] 

B. Allow me, then, to conduct you in. 

T. Only fifty cents admission to the great show. 

(Enter some more people, after which he rises, taking bundle from 
tinder chair, and goes at side of shop, in view of audieuce: but fie can t be 
seen from shop; he unlooses bundle and takes out of it and puts on a lon^ 
gown, long white beard and wig, with black skull cap, and takes in hand 
a wizard’s staff. 

T. Now the great medium has arrived. 

(He now enters shop and directs, in altered yoice, how to act.) 

Now, ladies and gents, on this solemn occasion we will invoke to our pre- 
sence the spirit of our dear departed. You tie my hands, then you sit 
around this table with hands.linked, and sing, as is meed, a song, for music 
and song bring angels and our dear departed down from their celestial 
abode. 

(They now tie his hands behind his back; he then goes into the cabinet, 
the doors of which open so as to see that there is nothing in it, and then 


15 


close, while the orches ra plays a weird air; lights dow nearly down in shop 
moon rises at flat and remains until the lights are up again' They tow 
•sing; music accompanies.) 

Shall we meet at the river. 

Beautiful, beautiful river, 

Where no hearts need sever, 

And may roam lorever, 

On that beautiful shore, 

Oq th’ other side^of Jordan. 

(They now stop; the music of an seolian harp, or other suitable instru- 
ment is heard in box; a flash of light appears at round hole in front dcor 
•after which appears a young female face at apperture, while an old lady in 
•circle jumps up shouting; 

*‘My daughter, Amelia.” 

After which the apparition says; 

'“Mother,” 

and disappears amid a flash of light . A little after is heard the sound o 
bugle playing a charge as in battle or a reveille, after which the cabinet 
doors partially open, revealing a soldier with bugle in mouth or hand. A 
old woman in circleijumps up and shouts,) 

■“Husband.” 

; (Spectre winks affirmative, and doors close,) 

Woman. My veritable Charlie, who w£S head bugler in the Federal army and 
died on the battle’fleld. 

(Music now plays and they sing.) 

Spirits from the other land, 
r ome and join this waiting band, 

Ramble with us about. 

Kiss and call our names loud. 

(They stop; within a box is heard, 

“boat ahoy;” 

the doors of cabinet slowly open and a miniature sailing vessel appear 
tin it, pitching up and down, as if on the tossing waves; sterm is heard 
whistling; a young man resembling Primrose clings to mast; a spray of 
water ascends in front of bo xon which is thrown a calcium light of various 
•colors. Clothilda rises and shouts,) 

My dear Primrose. 

(She then sinks again in chair, while cabinet doors slowly close, when 
Primrose’s face appears at the hole and says in sepulchral tone,) 

-Prim. Clothilda, heed the prayer of your adorer on Jordan’s shore, and marry 
Bob Codfish. 

(Disapppears amid a flash of light, while the box slowly sinks beneath 
the stage, while tongues of fire issue through holes in top, or box may rise 
if more effective. People in circle rise and gaze at it, and soma exclaim,) 

I Person. Look here, the spirits take the medium, box and all, along. 

II P. Probably they need fuel in pandemonium. 

(While they look at’box, Tick appears again from underneath stage, 
raised through trap door aside of shop, where inside cannot see him; he 
■ disrobes and. puts his disguises again in bundle which he secretes. In shop 


16 


light up now; moon disappears.) 

T. Now the renowned medium has gone and it is good for the health of the 
spirits that there are trap doors, springs and masks.) 

(He sits again at door a moment, then enters in shop, while people pick 
up hats and shawls to go home. Bob is at side ot Clothilda; Tick now 
shakes hands with her outside barber shop.) 

T. My dear child, you had better now obey the injunction of the soirit of your 
dead lover, and marry your old staunch friend, Bob Oonfish, and my bless- 
ing upon you. 

(Bob stands behind her making affirmative gestures; comes in now a 
telegraph messenger with message; T. takes it, 

“what’s this? a telegram?” 

Reads loud.) 

T. To Major Tick and all whom tt may concern: Know herewith, That the 
clippor Mayflower which sailed from Liverpool to New York, perished near 
the rocky cliffs of New Zealand, with all on board, including your protege 
Master Primrose. 

(Stops reading and does as if overcome with grief.) 

Mydear boy, so suddenly taken away in his youth and from his sweetheart, 
(Pause and more calm.) 

But I have some consolation in that he has named his successor, so that 
this 

(points to Cloth) 

rose. will not bloom and wither unplucked. 

(Aside.) 

And without being smelled at. 

(She now tnrns to Bob inquiringly. B. embraces her.) 

B. ’Tis done. The gods have smiled on me. I’ve got a wife. 

[Bob then goes off a little, puts on eye-glasses, puts part of fingers be- 
hind vest near arm-pit, moving the others outside, comic posture. Takes 
then also razor out of pocket, and holds as if about shaving, looks at him 
self with an air of importance and approval, saying aside while T. shake 
hands again with Clothilda.] 

B. 1 can’t see, anyhow, how she could have prevented it, and now I will be 

obliged to shave her; else she might shave me— ain’t I astunner? 
I came, saw, and conquered.- , 

T. [Ail going. 

On, then, to the priest to tie the connubial knot. 

[ fakes out snuff box offering audience a pinch] 

Take a pinch? take a pinch . 

Curtain. 

ACT III. 


I Scene— T he interior of a bank room; at the rising of the curtain finds Bob 
Codfish sitting in a chair, attired in the garb of a banker, whittling a stick. 
B. (To audience.) 

D’ye want a shave? I’m still in the oid trade of shaving, I have said to 
all: “Brothers shave with care.” So I get the lion’s share. And I have 
succeeded 


[takes up a handful of gold and clinking it on table] 
to pile up a snug sum of the yellow metal, the dictator of monarchs and 
republics. Besides I got a pretty wife thrown in the bargain. Shades of 
the departed keep my wife’s loyer a thousand miles away stone dead, 
stone dead. The spirits at least said, “that he was dead beyond recovery. 
Enter from rear, a nurse with child in her arms. 

Nurse: There is papa ! 

[Points to Bob.] 

Bob: I might have added — that to my stock of happiness belongs 
[points to baby] 
this scion, and a pretty nurse. 

Nurse: [To baby] 

your papa is very naughty. 

She holds baby to him to kiss but he kisses her. 

Make it appear as if done accidentally. She does as ifmuch shocked. 

Bob: Yes, ’tie naughty, but ’tis nice too. 

[aside] 

I alwajs said that it is no use to have a wife at all, particularly when you 
got a pretty nurse in the house. 

[To her.] 

What say you? Is it not better to sip the honey of every flower? 

[He is about to embrace her when is heard a voice without.] 

V. Mary Jane! Bring the child. 

Both manifest surprise. She withdraws. 

N: Yes madam— yes I’m coming! 

[Exit.] 

Bob: [In a huff.] 

Confounded old woman. She always nips my pleasure in the bud. 

[Rap heard at bank side door; he goes to it.] 

Come in to my parlor said the spider to the fly. I’m ready to shave you 
from a fifty cent piece up to $1,000 bill. 

[Opens the door of partition and lets in a person who looks like & 
Texan ranger, one pantaloon in boot, with broad brimmed hat, whip in 
hand; they shake hands.] 

Person. You shave here; that is to say, pay cash for railroad stocks. 

B. Certainly, sir; certainly, they are marketable. I shave anything, small o 
big, round or square, and sometimes I get a close shave myself, 

P. [They exchange.] 

Very well. Do you also take stock in any government bonds? 

B. Not much; the government is busted. I doubt the stability of this blarsted 
republic. I believe only in one government. 

P. And that is? 

B. That is the government exercised by a slipper on the aft part of the 
breeches of a mother’s darling, while bending over her knee. 1 loan my 
money on something more tangible than governments; something solid, 
which thieves cannot steal, fire bugs not burn, nor congressional doctors 
tamper with. 

P. Very well, sir. 

[Pulls out papers like land scripts.] 

Here I’ve got some land certificates for a 1000 acres of solid Texas land, 
in fertile country ; a country with cartsful of daisies. 

B. I’ll take it; I’ll take it at ten per cent discount, if all is solid; all solid? 

P. As solid as the rock of Gibralta. 





18 


[P. gives now him papers; he examines them while P. walks ofl a little.} 
P. [Asid ^.] 

He shaved me before, and I shave him now, for the land is tea 
miles under water, and it is worth the water which is on it for doctering the 
dairymen’s milk; The water is further useful for us husbands to wash down 
the last remnants of whisky straight which hang around the corners of the 
mouth, so that when ones wife kisses a fellow, she don’t discover how- 
many times we have smiled before. 

[Aloud.] 

Well, let’s go to the notary to make out the contract. 

B. It took you mighty long to squat on that bargain; however, let’s go. 

[They exeunt at door P. entered, while, a little after, enter from rear. 
Clothilda and Peg who is now white haired and walks on a stick.] 

Cloth. Now, mother Peg, I wont let you go until you have taken a cup of . 
tea with me. 

[Brings chairs; P. sits down; C. then calls rear.J 
Now, Mary Jane, bring quick a cup of tea for us 
[Returns. 

As it is after banking hours we won’ t be disturbed. 

LSits beside Peg.] 

Now, I’m really glad to see you; have not seen you for years. 

P. I should say so, Clothilda — no, no, beg pardon — Madam Codfish, for since-- 
you have moved away in this big house and your husband become a banker- 
you have forgotten me, poor Peg. 

[Servant girl brings tea and arranges table, they drink] 

Cloth. Poor old Peg! name me as of old, Clothilda; the fancied slight is more 
your fault by ceasing to come and see us. I am, however, glad to meet _ 
you. 

P. To-night I came on business — about Primrose you know. 

C. [Surprised] 

My first love; your poor boy, who was lost at sea. 

P. He wrote me a letter. 

[C. jumps up shrieking, then sink6 back in chair fainting. Peg takes a,, 
pinch of snuff and then goes to her. makes passes over her till she recovers. 
Peg: Now I must use my supernatural powers transmitted to me by my sainted 
Tick — peace to his ashes — to restore this blown rose. 

[Cloth, recovers.] 
she .then returns to her seat. 

C. [Gasping voice.] 

He is then alive, and I am another man’s wife. 

P. [Soothingly.] 

It. will be yet all right, all right, Clothilda. He is alive and soon coming.- 
back as by this. 

[lakes letter out of bosom.] 

Letter you perceive, which I received this morning. 

C. [Holds hands to face, sobbing.] 

My first love coming back, and I another man’s wife! 

[Pause angrily] 

Deceived! I have then been deceived by that infernal soothsayer and spirit^,, 
list, who at the seance made me believe that my poor lover was dead. 

P. Well I will read you his letter. 


19 


■■’o. 


P. 


O. 

-P, 


$Puts on specks and reads. | 

My dear foster mother — 
lExclaims,] 

Foster mother! why things take on a mysterious shape; I thought you were 
his -right mother. 

Paftience! be patient, Clothilda, in a few moments I will explain all. 
(Breathes heavily.) 

But N tis an awful secret. 

(Reads.) 

My dear foster mother, I soon shall return to your arms, having courage- 
ously and successfully braved the perils of the sea and the dangers of for- 
eign lands. I have found my morganatic father, and he has liberally 
mended the wrongs of the past, and settled a large estate on me. 

(Stops) 

What does this all mean? do I hear right? or am I dreaming? this my 
whilom lover, not your boy, and has been with a morganatic father abroad. 
(Lifts up finger threatinglv,) 

(Important air.) 

Morg&natie is latin, and means, ahem! 

(aside,) 

Confounded, that I have already forgotten what I never knew. 

(Aloud.) 


•ft means, but mind yer, that this Is a genuine secret, however I can better 
feel its meaning than express it. Still it w ill be soon clear to you as day- 
light. 

(Reads.) 

On all lovers’ day at 8 p. m., I will arrive with the eastern train, and once 
more enter the. humble cot of my boyhood; and if my old sweetheart is 
still staunch and true, once more on her bosom rest my head and whisper, 
Clothilda! thou art mine forever. 

(Stops.) 

<C., shrinks and faints again. P., makes again passes over her,) 

Peg.- This odylic force, oozing out of my finger tips, will soon seat the intellect 
its throne again. 

((And when she recovers goes back to her place.] 

C, (Whimpering accents,) 

Clothilda staunch and true! and another man’s wife. 

F. Patience! let me tell my story, All is well that ends well. Thou was a 
child when thy mother went to heaven. 

■CL True, too true, Holy Mother look on thy child. 


■F, (Shaking finger at her,) 

You promised silence. 

(Aside,) 

£ know it, the bearer of ill news looks monstrous in the listeners eyes. 

(Aloud.) 

It is still well. Your mother, once an innocent maiden, lived in these, then 
western, wilds of this Republic, made accidentally the acquaintance of an 
Engilsh Dobleman, who one day passed her garden gate as she was culling 
a bunch of daisies from her garden bed. 

"C, ft was not my father, then? 


20 


1*. To be sure not your old dad; this was years before your father spoused your 
mother. You know we ladies like the men, like to pluck all loves flowers 
we can lay hold on, at least smell at, before we don the matrimonial har- 
ness. 

€. [Half rising, angrily,] 

Old sphinx! thou raises mine ire — but yet proceed — you speak the truth, 
proceed. 

P. The truth, indaae, you know how it is yourself. 

[Peg takes a pinch and offers it to C.] 

Take a pinch, take a pinch, the next time— before you get your dander up 
take a pinch, it cools and balances one’s nerves, as my 
[Breathes heavily,) 

lamented Major Tick used to say; peace to his ashes. In short, the gentle 
man lingered and loved. 

C. Loved? 

P. Aye! They loved not wisely, but too well. 

C. And the result? 

P, A boy. 

C. [Rising angrily.] 

Thou liest! old hag. 

(Pause, more calm, tits,) 

But yet proceed; I beg your pardon, I ought respect old age; perhaps you 
are ill-informed and speak of some tale which has the false semblence of 
truth. But spare me, spare me, It would be ill-betide me not to defend 
my mother's honor. 

P. The rashness of your youth and zeal as to your mother’s honor, 1 will par 
don, but yet your mother did nothing beyond the pale and creeds pre- 
scribed by society, for she was duly married in secret to the nobleman, by 
the Rev. Prior, the village priest; but this new spouse soon parted for 
England to settle affairs at home, and then swiftly return to his bonnie 
bride. 

€. (Clutching hands,) 

Heaven help! where will this strange news end? 

P. [Rising and going,] 

$ Ah, I beg your pardon; by your rage I see this news is not welcome. Well 
I will lock it in my heart and part. 

[C., draws her back to chair imploringly.] 

O. Prithee not now, your silence would kill me. 

P. [Aside,] 

I know it, arouse once a woman’s curiosity and until it is satisfied there is 
nothing to stop her in her mad career, though she had to make a hole in a 
brick wall with her head. 

[Aloud,] 

the end of my story is nigh, he never returned. 

[Clutches hands,] 

Perfidious rascal. 

P. Such is fate, when humble maidens dally with the great. The lamb to 
destruction goes when lying down with the king of beasts. In short his 
noble relations had, through an english court, declared the marriage void. 
C. [Clasping hands.] 

Good heavens! 





21 


'P. [Shakes finger.] 

‘Ta-ta’ all is still well. In due time the boy was born, and, to prevent the 
gossiper’s and slanderer's tongue to herald this misfortune abroad, the boy 
was secretly entrusted to my care. 

C. And didst thou rear that boy? 

P. ‘Na-na! Patience! I come to it in due time. Your mother meantime) 
brushed her grief away, and doned again the garb of the butterfly, sipping 
here and there from the entrancing cup of gay society; and, after some time 
oi fishing, she caught, in her net, a husband— your father. The boy, under 
my care, became a man. 

C. And that boy's name is — 

P, His name is Primrose— your first lover. 

C gives a shout of joy and faints. P. goes over and messmerizes her 
until she recovers. Takes first a pinch of snuff. 

P. 1 thought the joy was too much for her, but, thanks to my messmerizing 
powers and the sainted influence of my lamented Tick— to take a pinch— I 
will have her soon herself again. 

[C. recovers and falls on P’s neck, exclaiming:] 

C, Then in the loss of my first lover, I have gained a brother. 

[Both sit again more calm.] 

That is if your story is all true, but what corroborating proof have you? 

P. All true a& gospel — true as the very gospel — but 
[strikes her hand on C’s knee] 

this is a sworn secret, as true as gospel. And, to strengthen proof, I have 
our parish priest and his marriage and birth register. 

■ C. Aud will he soon return? 

P. This very night. 

C. [Both rising and going slowly] 

Then quick to the priest and parish register, to make the proof and joy 
complete, aud prevent, on his arrival, a serious epilogue to the happy 
drama. 

P. This toy mission 

[going— before exit offering snuff-box to audience.] 

D’ye want a pinch? 

[Both exeunt, while a little after enter, from outside door, Bob and his 
friend Giles; they sit and converse and take a smoke. 

B. Take a havana— to post onr cares away with the spiral blue, smoky and- 
etherial fragrance of the weed — into the ocean of space and oblivion. 

Giles: This life and its pleasures are as evanescent as that smoke. 

B. Well, friend Giles, stocks are deuced low, our republic tottering and, if 
things keep on in this way, we soon will go to„glory and see Old Nicn in 
his kingdom 

G. There* is no safety more in any investment or stocks, save the stock of mat- 
rimony. 

B. [Laughing and claps G's shoulder. 1 

This may be well enough, for a candidate of matrimony, with a rose in his 
coat lapel and his brain softening on the fair sex— but to an old mariner, 
on the sea of matrimony, it appears more perilous. He sees always breakers 
ahead, sand-bars and cliffs in the distance, on which his matrimonial bark 
may perish. 

•G. Well, Bob, I am astonished— I was unaware that you had soured on the 




22 


fair sex, and that jour bark had capsized, particularly, as you have such a 
fair, exemplary wife. 

B. True— too true; but yet I found, during our years of marriage, that her 
angel’s wings were not as large as I had expected. 

[Takes snuff box from table and takes snuff, and offers to Giles, and 
feels heart.] 

And to fill this void, thus created in my heart, I take a pinch, like my 
venerable friend, Major Tick, now browsing on Jordan’s shore. 

G. Indeed, woman, like man, is but made of clay, yet in Nature’s potterfield 
she received some extra polish; but we, sordid men, soon satiate on things 
most sweet, 

But;still one must remember his marriage pledge. Let me see! what did 
you pledge yourself to at the marriage altar? 

B: I said: I take thee with all thy worldly goods hanging loose around you. 

G: And what said she? 

B: 1 give you my hand, and- and 

G: She said of course: “I give you my hand and heart.” 

B: No friend Giles, She hurried that dsep down in a large Saratoga trunk, 
among her silk dresses, bonnets and other adornments. 

G: True, too too true, I forgot every woman keeps it there. But didn’t the 
minister say to her: “you take this man for better or worse.” 

B: Aye! that he did: but she got a violent cough when it came to ‘‘or 
worse.” 

G. If marriages are made of such stuff! then when I should have the misfor- 
tune to put the halter on; at the marriage altar, I shall take the marriage 
vow with sundry mental reservations. 

B, But still, though I lifted the secret curtain, I am contented. 

[Knocking heard at door.] 

Who may this late visitor be? 

G. Shall I play Ahe porter and let this late visitor in? 

B. Pray do~anything you play in this game is acceptable. 

G, [Opens door.] 

Come in. 

Enter Primrose and friend, in traveling suits and satchels, which they 
set down in rear, and then walk a little in rear, to and fro, while together 
conversing. G. remains at door. B. sits front looking at audience. 

Primrose. Here, then, we are in the traitor’s den, the kidnapper of my bride 

Friend. And the bird who has shaved himself into comfort and wealth. 

[B. now casts furtive glances at them with gestures of surprise, while 
saying to audience, during their converse, 

P. But the shading process of to-night may cast him on the debit side, to pay 
the price for robbing me of my heart’s treasure. 

Bob, By high heavens! that is my old friend, Primrose, whose bride I wived, 
and who was thought stone dead, at least so the spirits said at the seance! 
[Strikes hand on knee.] 

But there may be the deuce to pay for. Yet, come what may, I am pre- 
pared. ’Twas wrong perchance for me to take her; yet everything is fair 
in love and war. 

P. [P. and F. now see B. and wark to him.] 

But there I guess the bird sits. 


23 


(Aloud to B.) 

And where is the head shaver of this concern? 

B. (Rising.) 

You are merry, gentlemen; but if you seek the director and president of th® 
bank, I am at your service. 

P. (Angrily.) 

Look at me again thou journeyman carpenter; thou hirsute shaver; thou 
contemptible purloiner of the widow’s and orphan’s mite. It is thojl! thou 
traitor! who, under the damnable pretense that I had been shipwrecked, 
married the idol of my heart. I came for an accounting. 

B. You can have it. 

P. Gentlemen, or at least those that pretend to be such, settle such matters 
either with carbiners or swords. 

B. (Going to a drawer, takes out pistols.) 

I could accommodate you with either, but as 1 have the choice of weapons 
I choose pistols, and fire at fifteen paces. Our friends here can act as 
seconds. 

P. Thus be it. 

(Seconds measure space; they take positions; seconds command 
fire.) 

Seconds. One, two, three, fire. 

Both fire; seconds run to them; both have missed; seconds now urge 
them to desist.) 

Sec. Now, gents, honor has been satisfied. The gods have smiled on you. Pray 
desist; be friends. 

B. I demand another shot. Though I have been prone to youthful folly, 

I can calmly fix my eyes on the messenger of death when my honor is con- 
serned. 

P. And so can I. Another shot; dnd if I miss the mark a second time, unhur 
myself, I will think the gods have approved your aetion, and I will greet 
you as a brother. 

[As they are taking positions again, and are about aiming— Seconds 
have called already— one, rushes in Clothilda, Peg and parish priest, with 
register under arm; Clothilda rushes into B.’sarms shouting, 

“Stop.’’ 

Piiest. Stop, gentlemen, stop. In the name of the holy church, and 
(l.fts up a cross at his side) 
this emblem of heaven. I bid you stop. 

(Primrose and Bob uncovers, bowing assent, and put pistols in pockets 
Clothilda now embrace Primrose, then withdraws a lew steps.) 

Cloth. If I have not found my first lover to be my husband, a v least I found ia 
him a brother. 

B. What does this mean? Mystery crowds on mystery. 

Prim. (Aside.) 

I am dumbfounded with joy. 

Priest. It means that this gentleman 

(Points to P.) 

is your wife’s brother, and here is the register of baptism, wherein is record- 
ed when I baptised him. 

(Reads.) 

Be it known by that this second day of St. Michael. Mass, came Mrs* May* 


24 


nee Miss Orange Flower, 

All. Nee; Miss Orange Flower? 

(Reads ) 

With her newborn babe, to receive the holy baptism, and he was yclept^ 
Primrose. 

All. Primrose? * 

Priest. (Closing book; to audience.) 

It is not for me neeessary on this public occasion to unravel the mystery 
which enshroud the details by which they became brother snd sister,, 
but with your permission we w ill unfold them at our happy reunion, 
around the family hearth. 

B. (B. and P. shake hands.) 

As rivals we might hate each other, as brothers-in-law we may yet love and 
esteem each other. Though I never dreamed that I would yet be shaved 
by you. Shave, brother, shave with care. 

(They step part, P., to audience.) 

P. Though I lost a sweetheart, yet I found a sister, and in my future pathway 
among the thistles and thorns of this world, I may yet, with your permis- 
sion and patronage, find a rosebud blooming at the wayside for me. 

(Cloth., P. and B., now stand in a line at M. front, she in middle. 


They now sing alternately, making appropriate gestures. Bib sings first 
points to Cloth. Music accompany. 

The lily of the valley 
Is now in durance yile, 

In bouds of iove, and ally 
To spouse and brother Oil. 

You may sing of love and sighing. 

Intrigue and lovers strife; 

But ne’er will you see me tryiug 
To loose a sister for a wife. 

What shall I do with either, 

Husband or brother mine. 

I cannot blame them neither. 

To love me at the same time. 


[P. sings.] 


[Points to C.] 
[C. sings.] 
Points to both*] 


[They join hands and sing in chorus.] 

Punch — brothers punch with care, 
Punch with care the ladles fair. 


Bob: (Pokes his wife and then walks off a little; puts finger in vest; makes- 
comic gestures; puts on eye glasses. 

Bob: (Aside.) 

Before marriage I thought I would shave my wite;but I changed my opinion 
before the wedding cakes were cold. 

(Sho makes now imperious gesture to come to her. 

He comes. She now arranges his clothes. Pulls his vest down. 

Clothil. Pull your vest down. 

(Bob , making comic gestures, saying, going off a little. 

Pull your vest down — eh! she is no slouch — at that “biz” — no slouch at 
that ‘‘biz.” What a blessing it is to wear the breeches. 


25 


Peg has now hobbled up to his back when he turns — she embraces him ard 
he her. 

Peg. My dear— dear foster son, 

Bob. Here is my haven of rest. 

(Turns head over one shoulder of Peg— says), 

D’ye now want to be shaved ? 

(Turns his head over other shoulder says) # 

No thank you — I got a piuch. 

(Priest looking Heavenward and holding hands as in benediction.) 

P. Heaven smile on these united hearts. 

Weird instrumental music is now heard in rear, while stage gets dark 
full moon rising. In 2d stage at flat, scene parts and Teveals on pedestal, 
the goddess Juno, a calcium light of varied colored light is thrown on her. 
She extends hands as if blessing below, while various colored bits of paper 
fall down on them in imitation of flowers. 


Curtain— End. 


SCENERY. 

-Act I. A sort of a grove with shrubbery in first, and second grooves, also so m 
treefstumps. At L. R. appear exterior fronts of farmers huts, in rear at flat 
is painted the more stately front of a house with windows and doors 
Bunches of flax lay around stage. When scene changes to third and fourth 
grooves, or all rear, it reveals the interior of house, a sort of court-yard, in 
rear ol flat decends a stairway from second etage of house, 6hayings lay 
around. At one sidejare carpenters benches and tools. 

.Act II One half of rear stage at L. is occupied as a barber shop. It has a 
glass partitioned front with a double door in middle. Inside are American 
barber chairs and stools. Front of stage is a street with a lamp post at 
each entrance. Lanterns are lit and are of varied colored glass. It is of a 
fancy structure a striped barbea pole staDds in front. 

-Act III. The interior of a banking room tastly furnished, money and paper lay 
around. At R. side is a glass partition; inside, a counter. In rear is an arch- 
ed door entrance with curtain, leading to rear house. 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

M. means middle, R. right side, L. left side, D. door, F. front. 

N. B. The author has here only given an outline of the scenery, action,, 
movements and gestures, leaving it to the manager to supply details. 
Costumes to suit the characters assumed. 

The author reserves to himself the sole right to the novelization of the sub 
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